I've been with le boyfriend for almost 6 months now, jeezus . . . who knew I was capable of such things. It's been great. Now what's the deal with "love". Ever since I found friends I knew were true friends, I've gotten in the habit of using endearments, "love you", "darling", "babe", etc, etc. Can't remember who it was but one of my friends picked up an article on dating and one of the "rules" said, "let him tell you he loves you first, it takes men longer to process their emotions". I can't say I'm one to follow rules as my existence has been one huge breakage of rules, but enough of being dramatic, that's not my point. It makes me feel awkward to think that I can't and don't say 'I love you' to any of my family members, but I've been tempted to say it to him for about a month and a half now. I've wanted to say it at the end of texts many times, but I realize that is not the way to say it the first time. But that alone is making this "love" thing a big deal. Why does, "I love you" make a relationship much more serious? It's not like I care about him more from the moment I say it than I did the second before I said it to him . . . I think the only reason I haven't said it to him is because I'm afraid he might not want to say it to me yet? So far we've been eye-to-eye on where the relationship is going, but where is it going really?
I don't want to say, nowhere, but really . . . it's not like we're going to move in together or something. For all I know I could be gone . . . let me stop myself there before I get all melodramatic. I should just say it because I've had the urge to say it to him. I do know that I am one of those ppl who expresses emotions through actions more than through words. Problem solved - this doesn't mean I'll say it to him tomorrow haha.
I meant to start this post with this: today I came home and found my planner from senior year high school on my desk. I actually planned things back then! I decided to keep some old calendars from college because they have my schedules written all over them. I think Planners are a lot cooler than journals. I have a journal I kept from middle school, it is quite embarrassing, and pretty damn entertaining actually. I have some visitor passes from UCLA medical center pasted in there, they're from the times I visited Heather in the hospital after her accident. I love that I can look at that stuff and not feel anger or hatred or regret for any of it, all I feel is nostalgia. I was a great friend. And today Heather lives somewhere by Palm Springs, living with her boyfriend, pregnant and happy . . . or at least she was last I talked to her. It's so awesome to see the turns life takes.
I used to be pretty damn bitter about my life, but now that I have C in my life and have decided to stick to something because I genuinely want to pursue it makes life a lot easier. There are still a lot of pressures from the parents about money. That is something I have done my best to control and it seems the more I try to control myself, the less they want me to spend. Now I am down to no drinking, no eating out. All I spend dinero on is movies, gas, and this last week clothes cuz it was my damn birthday, and still I heard my parents talking (as if i wasn't within ear-shot) about how i spend too much money. i could get angry about this and hate my life, but i choose not to because i am truly doing my best to control my finances (hah my finances as if it was my money), there is no way for me to make money, and they cant expect me to stay home all the goddamn time. ::deep breath:: it keeps me happy.
now I'm taking yoga, i think i will follow this for the rest of my life. I'm going to go searching for books to get into the philosophy of yoga and such. i think it's going to make me happier no matter whats going on in life. i want to be happy regardless of what society says about my existence.
Originally Posted: Friday, July 10, 2009 at 8:47pm
No comments:
Post a Comment