The Blissful Angst of Life

I've become so much less involved in the immigration issue and so much more involved in worrying about what to do with my life, so much so that I've neglected to tell you of the most important anniversaries that have passed me by this year. This May 3rd marked 3 years of Residency, so I am two years away from obtaining Citizenship, yay! And just two weeks ago was my 28th birthday, that makes 20 years since I've lived here! (wowser)

Having celebrated my birthday put me in a very pensive state, not that I haven't been breaking my head over this since getting my greenie. What to do with my life. I've accepted that no one can help me figure it out. There is no right or wrong choice . . . or is there? I feel like there is, this is the one I am having the most difficulty with.

I've realized the reason I'm having such a hard time saying, "this is what I want to do", is because I spent so many years trying to accept (my reality at the time) that I was never going to be able to do anything with my life here in the U.S. It sounds pessimistic, but realize that every year since my senior year of high school was a year my parents and I kept saying, "this will be the year your Residency comes through", and year after year I was disappointed. There's only so much a young person can take of that, so in that time I worked really hard on myself on just focusing in the present and enjoying life day to day. I played the spectator to the lives of those around me.

It's not that I don't know what my interests are, trust me, I know what they are but I feel that being out of college now it is so difficult to say, "I want to try my hand at this". Yes, I am afraid of failing because . . . (writing this now it seems stupid but it doesn't take away the fear) I'm afraid of failing because I just am. Really the worry is money.

This is the battle that's been going on in my head, but I've made some decisions. I'll be taking the GRE (Graduate Record Examinations) so I can have that out of the way once I decide what my Graduate program will be. Some of you may be confused because I took the LSAT (Law School Admission Test) last year, I had a soul crushing experience with that so I am going a different route I've decided.

All in all though, I've had a fantastic three years so far as a Resident. I am thankful for the angst that comes along with making these life changing decisions because I truly never saw this happening for me.

If you read through all of this, thank you for letting me ramble. If you didn't thanks for glancing anyway :)

MUCH LOVE TO ALL OF YOU OUT THERE!!!

PS- I need to plan a trip for this year.

The Emotional Toll of the Half Life

Last week I heard a news report my mom was watching, it was talking about a young man that took his life. He was undocumented, his name was Joaquin Luna Jr., was only 18 and felt he'd never reach his goals in life. According to the information available he wanted to be an engineer and at this point it is impossible for an undocumented student to be unaware of what lies ahead. The obstacles, stress and expenses involved with attaining a higher education without adequate permission for your presence and education in this country.

Back when I was nearing the end of high school I knew of only one other student that was undocumented, she was as frantic about going to college as I was. Personally I didn't become aware of the extent of the obstacles until the time for applications came along.

I am extremely lucky that I never felt like giving up on this life, but I can certainly say that I felt empty, lost, frustrated, scared and impatient. Those of you who have shared some of this life with me heard some of my concerns. I had numerous breakdowns about life and its refusal to change and give me a chance . . . I can definitely understand what this kid was feeling.

I am so lucky. I know that, have always known it. Don't take your life for granted no matter how difficult it may feel.

Enjoy. Live. Love.

MUCH LOVE!!!